Category: inspiration

Shame Hurricanes, and Real Talk with Katharine Mac

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I am a perennial optimist. I am optimistic about the weather, relationships, business opportunities, the kindness of strangers, and even more shockingly, I am optimistic about the Mets every.single.Spring. (This year is going to be their year you guys, mark my words.) At times this is an awesome quality. It keeps me hopeful, motivated and enthusiastic. 

And then other times, my optimism can bite me directly in the butt. I have gotten soaked in a rainstorm because I was *sure* the sun would stay out. I have stayed in relationships wayyyyy longer than I should have because I believed that this week would be the week that my significant other would love me the way I needed to be loved. I’ve gotten my wallet stolen, because I believed no one would just take it out of my bag if I left it out and I have rooted for the Mets, and been heartbroken every Summer. (I need to reiterate here, this is something that happened in the past, not this year. This year we’ll kill it!) 

Because I am such an optimist, when life goes sideways disappointment hits me pretty hard. What goes hand in hand with that disappointment is shame. I feel embarrassed about having been excited. Why wasn’t I more realistic? How could I have been so stupid? 

This feeling hits me especially hard when I have been optimistic about something and I’ve excitedly told people about it, and then it has fallen apart. This happened to me when I was looking for an agent for How to Get Run Over by a Truck. A writer friend had introduced me to his fancy pants agent, and she had told me that my manuscript (my manuscript!) had promise and that she would consider taking me on as a client if I worked with an editor that she recommended. I did exactly as I was told, and I immediately hired the editor. All the while I told anyone who made eye contact with me about this ahmazing agent who was a very big deal and was so excited about me and MY work! We were going to be STARS! 

Fast forward a year: my manuscript was in incredible shape because of the editor I worked with, my life savings were gone, and my optimism was at an all time high. I get an email asking me to come to the City to meet with the fancy agent to talk about the next steps. I put a bottle of celebratory champagne in my fridge to open when I got home from this meeting, I was amped! 

Welp, the meeting went the exact opposite of how I had anticipated, and the agent told me that the book wasn’t publishable, she couldn’t represent me, and that the only possible way for this to get published would be for me to start all over again, and spend more money on hiring a ghost writer.

When I got home that bottle of champagne got opened, and I drank it, by myself, in the dark, with a straw. 

All of my optimism drained out of my body and disappointment quickly filled the void. Disappointment brought its high school bully of a best friend…Shame, and boy did she have a lot to say!

Shame kept saying some pretty terrible things to me, making me feel stupid for being so hopeful, for wasting my money, for thinking I was good enough, smart enough, talented enough to for someone to be interested in representing me and my manuscript. These days, I call that voice Katharine Mac (the terrible annoying twin sister of my fun alter ego, Katie Mac) 

This voice pestered me non-stop for weeks, leaving me emotionally crippled, and mentally exhausted, until one day after another unending monologue of why I was an awful person, I said out loud: 

“I get it, I hear you, but could you shut the f*&k up? I’m busy.” 

I startled myself when I said it, but holy shit, that felt good. 

From then on, any time that Katharine Mac has acted up since then, I have treated it like I would any other rude person in the real world: acknowledgement of their feelings, a directive to either shut up, take a nap or grab a warm beverage or a snack – because they seem to need some love, and then get back to doing what I need to do. It has been the most helpful experience of my life. 

What I’ve come to realize is that Katharine Mac is going to show up when disappointment strikes. She is going to try to make me feel stupid, ashamed, and unworthy of good and positive things, but she won’t be successful. Because just as quickly as she shows up, she can be quieted down and in her place can be the voice that says that strangers will return your wallet, that the sun will come out, and that 2020 is the year the Mets win the World Series. 

Practice What You Preach: A 30 Day Challenge on Bravery, Growth & Gratitude.

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I am one of the luckiest people in the world, because I really love my job as a coach. I love helping people as they move through big challenges in their lives, supporting them as they make big goals, standing next to them as they face their biggest fears. I am in constant awe of my clients and their openness to growth, their consistent bravery and the fact that our sessions allow for them to reflect on the good things in their lives that they are grateful for! Its beautiful, and its badass and I realized last month – I WANT IN!!! I want to push myself to be brave, to engage in activities that make me feel like I am growing, and Lord knows I love me some gratitude so why not throw that in there too!

Spring has always felt like a transition time – I mean the weather is changing, why can’t I? So, I put together a spreadsheet where I am going to record all of my acts of bravery, growth, and gratitude and I’d love for you beautiful humans to keep me accountable as I move through this month!

If you want to join me, you can make a copy of the spreadsheet for yourself, and we can all make some small changes together!

30 Day Challenge: Bravery. Growth. Gratitude.

There is No Good Instagram Filter for Crying in the Shower

I was at a party a few weeks ago talking to a friend that I hadn’t seen in a while. We were catching up and she said – I feel like I don’t even need to ask you how you are doing because according to social media things seem to be going awesome! You have the book, you’re going on all of these pretty walks, you are smiling in all of your photos, you’re doing these talks!! Everything looks so awesome, so just tell me how fabulous you are doing!” I looked at this sweet friend and I blinked, hard.

Is that how people think my life is going? Jesus, I am really not telling the full story – at all.

“Oh, love bug, the only reason why my life looks so good on social media, is because there is no good Instagram filter for crying in the shower.

She laughed, but then saw that I was serious, and I started to explain to her what had been actually happening over the last few weeks.  My position at the non-profit where I had worked for over 5 years had just been eliminated, so I found myself staring down the barrel of not having a job for the first time in years. What’s worse is that I wasn’t sure what I wanted to be when I grew up. Or maybe I was totally sure of what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I was so terrified of failing that I felt paralyzed and I couldn’t make a decision about how to move forward.

Also, I was feeling sorry for myself for getting let go, so I was eating complex carbs for comfort, I was using the bad weather as an excuse for not working out, I felt frustrated and out of control, so I was fighting with my boyfriend, isolating myself from friends and family and generally being a version of myself that I had trouble having a crush on.

But, apparently, my Instagram game was on point.

I hadn’t been purposefully trying to make it seem as if my life was going well on social media, but what I had been trying to do was to find small moments of beauty and happiness in days that felt overwhelming and sad.

Part of the reason why I post joyful and beautiful things is that I often times have trouble focusing on the right things. Too often I put all of my attention on the things that can bring me down.  I push on the bruise of that sadness thinking it will make me tougher, that somehow if I think about it enough I will create a callous – and in doing that I forget to look closely the lovely parts of my life: the strikingly gorgeous sunrise, the perfectly poured latte, the laughter with friends. I use social media as a record of those joys for me to review when I am about to push on that bruise.  But in talking to my friend, I realized I was the only one who knew that.

To other people my highlight reel, was perceived as my everyday – and my darling friends – it isn’t.  It is ABSOLUTELY my highlight reel.  Because I will tell you, right here and right now, one Saturday a few weeks ago, I took three showers in one day so that I could cry in there and not feel weird about it. Please don’t question my logic about why I was only ok with crying in the shower, because I have no good answer other than I like steam, the water doesn’t make it as obvious that I had been crying and that my body wash is a goddamned delight!

I am telling you this because I want you to know that:
1. I think that you are awesome
2. Crying in the shower is totally acceptable
3. Nothing looks as good in real life as it does on Instagram
4. I am going to try to be even more honest – in my real life and online.

I am going to try be more honest about what I want from my life, the person I want be, and more open about the person that I currently am. I’m going to try to write more, post more, speak more – and I want to thank you for being a part of the things that give me joy and hope and also for being one of the things I focus on, when I don’t want to push the bruise.

Its a new dawn, its a new day – and even if I was weeping tears of pure joy while taking this photo – I’m feeling good